h4v3 u eVeR w0nDeR?

Have you ever wonder why I didn’t want to love?
Coz I'm scared of hurting again
Coz I’m scared of suffering again
Coz I’m tired of crying again
Coz I’m tired of fighting again

Have you ever wonder why I’m afraid to love you?
Coz I’m scared that I would miss you
Coz I’m scared I can’t go on without you
Coz I’m scared you won’t love me like I do
Coz I’m scared that you would leave me too

Have you ever wonder why?

huh?

aahh...its finally ere..weekend! as a government staff im proudly wanna say its a pleasure serving my country..hehe..5 days a week n a lot of allowances..wat cud b more satisfaying den dis? ehemm..enuf bout dis.

actually got no topic to jot down for u guyz..mmm..i juz felt dat dis week a bit slow..dunt u? i dunno lar..even ive occupied masef wit all d work..enrol masef for d futsal team..training till nite..but stil d daz wen on so slow..i thot dat if ive had so much to do n so bz goin here n der..i cud past all d time wit out noticing it..wat cud go wrong? ahh..forget bout it..as long ive got my weekend to masef..

ma weekend dis lately always full of sumting..chezz..i have no idea wat i did n in a nick of time..im entering MONDAY again..! hey? wes my sunday?? who stole my SUNDAY? huh...?

last weekend (is it last weekend? erk i dunt recall..hehe..) ma mom n sis came to ma house..its good to have sum1 finally accompanying me all weekend..we went shopping till drop! dis was d first time ma mom came to see wer im staying n thank god she loved my place..how can u didnt like it..my house fully furnished..wit tv..hifi..(mini2 one..but still can do..) fridge..washing machine..astro..at least my mom felt very comfortable wit it..i even drove her to see my work place in putrajaya..she was amazed wit it..very proud to see my awsome work place..cud see it in her eyes..thanks mom!

d next sunday..i had to send my lil sis back to UKM..huh! no man power to help us..im alone wit my sister carrying all her stuffz to d 4th floor...im all out of sweat! big n heavy bags..PC complete wit printer!! hell im xhausted..me being so little n petite, differ from my over grown sister..hehe..all her friends thot dat im d lil sis..(hey i'll take it as a compliment k..)

wat else eh? uu dun forget i cleant up my house..from scrubbing d bathroom floor to mopping d hall..duin laundry n folding clothes..aaahh..by d afternoon all settled n im back to my spot in front of my dearest dearest tv...my sweet-sweet lovely remote...so peaceful..so quite..so..ZZzzZZzz...

nite..sumtimes i get a bit lonely..but im not turning back to dat life anymore..yes maybe im a bit boring coz i prefer not to go anywere..my frenz sumtimes have to drag me out of d house..hehe..im juz too lazy to drive la..n all d make up to put on..huh! too damn lazy..wat clothes to wer..urrghh..! leceh!

but sumtimes i dunt have d hart to tell my frenz im not in d mood to go out..(u guys are killin' me!!) wit lik a thousand stones stuck at my feet..i force masef to go out..for d sake of my frenz..went out for a drink..have a nice chat for a couple of hours..yada..yada..yada...finished..dey sent me back..ZZZzZZzzZZ

dats my life nowadays..back to d root..

life as a single person..

its been nearly a month officially ive enjoyed life as a single person..no more hassle..no more reporting when i want to go...wer i want to go..wit whom..wen do i get bak? hmm..life's gr8 now..its juz me n d remote control. dats my life nowadays..

sum times im curious about my situation..wen im stil double, lots of invitation for me..but wen im single..i have none!! why? is it less adventurous wen im single? no boundries..no obstacles to battle before reaching my hands...? hmm...i dun get it?! really~~

ahhh..i dun give a damn about it..at last i have my space to breathe..full independence! but its not all rainbows all d way.. bit hard for me being single wen it comes to my car..i have to learn masef all d hard stuffs! i hate it..heheh..i didnt really care much about engine..coz usually dats my bro's job to do so..all i know is how to fill in d fuel..heheh...after migrated to kl..i used to depend on my bf to do all dat..but after d separation, i have to learn how to do it by masef..ehemm..!

today i got one sms from sum1..Qimie..i called him afterwards n yap! he stil waiting for me..i didnt get it? why? he asked me if its okay for him to propose directly to my family?! what?? heck wait a minute!! yes i know his intention is good..he believes in love after marriage..but really i need sum time to get to know him better first..rite? he said he didnt care for anything less n really love me for who i am..im touched actually but im quite confiused by dis feelings..im not ready yet to give up my independency n single life..i dun want to get back in dat arena juz yet..

but..life's short..im 26 already n i cant wait any longer for a prince charming to take me away..if des a decent man out der..stabil in financial..a worthit man dat i can count on to build a family wit..maybe its my destiny 2 be wit him..maybe its my answer from God to all my prayers..finally He gave me a MAN..i hope so..

well..all i can do now is 2 give him a chance to show me his efforts in winning my hart..to show me he truly mean it..for me..if sum1 really wants me..ask my mom! hehe..but reallyy...i need to get to know him better first..at d time being, i choose to be fren first..if des a chemical reaction between us..den we'l turn to d next chapter..

u cant always have wat u want..but try to be grateful to wat has been given to u..

i want u..but u didnt know it..but its painful to be invisible in front of u so its better dat i juz dissappear den to suffer d silence torment of my own feeling..accept my faith..n move on wit my life..no more running after u..dis time i juz want to give in n accept wat is in front of me..

appreciate wat is in front of u..coz wen its gone..its too late for u to miss it..

life is great..

~hmm...

~dikejar bayang2 resah..bila hatimu masih tak berubah..enggan dipunya..dan dipenjara..belaian cintaku ini..~

~jgnlah kau salahkan aku..terus memburu menawan cintamu..daku percaya..sedikit masa..kau kecundang akhirnya~

~usahlah kau bersedih dihadapan mu aku hadir memadam resah dan curiga dr hatimu..apakah kali ni bisa kau tolak dan berlari setelah aku menanamkan azimat ku~

~tiada lafaz yg lebih agung..kalimah cintamu yg ku tunggu2..biar jasadku yg menanggung..permainan darimu..relaku pujuk~

am i cur3d?

after a long vacation n a hectic weekend..ive given a thot about all dat juz happend to me..yap! i totally lost it..my inner me..i forgot wat i used to be..wat i capable of..i know im much stronger den dis..why i let it goes cuccko-cuccko over him? NO..! not anymore..

for years ive been d strong-shoulder-to-cry-on type of fren to my frenz..i never let my feelings intrupt my adviz to my frenz..i always stay hard n full of +ve motivation for my frenz..ready to rumble ..ready for anything..but wen it comes to me..why i cant handle it? i used to have all d answers to all my frenz' question n doubt..but why i cant answer my own stupid simple question? i let masef go blind wit love..i let him hurt me not once..but twice..but dis time..not anymore..i wont let him hurt me no more..

ive hurt sum1 in my process of healing..i know wat i did was wrong..but i cant proceed in lying n be hypocrite any longer..its not me..i dun want to pretend sumting dat was not der..

all dat keeping me pumping n going is HIM..he makes me forget..even sumtimes des sum ups n downs in ur road..but i didnt mind at all..as long i know wer my hart goes...it didnt lost in space..nor tornd apart like i used to feel..NO..i given it away..n dat sum1 didnt know it at all dat he's keeping my hart..n i intend to leave it dat way..i dont want to scare him away if i reveal my feeling..n i surely dont want to change wat we are having now..sumtimes tings better left alone untouch n be preserved as long as it takes..

after al..i know im not the ONE..but its ok..its a bit sad but mmm..really..its alrite..
althought im not used to rejection but i know dis one is d first silent rejection for me..but at least for a moment, i felt loved n ownd..hehhee..juz my imagination..

im happy wit masef..n look! im SMILING!!
:-)
ignorance is a virtual...

i juz m3Lt aw4y..

dis few days been a nite mares to me..i thot i was strong enuf to handle him..i thot i cud do it..but i was wrong..totally wrong..d sound of his voice simply throbd my hart out..i tried to cool it down..tried to think back all d wrongly n badly he had treated me..but d harder i tried..d more it hurt me inside..

i tried to sound cold n empty..i dun wan him to know wat i really felt..i dun wan to look lik im stil all head over heal for him...but at last..i cant take it anymore..i cant compress masef any longer..and I CRIED..

im truely truely stil in love wit him..i cant lie to masef n definitely not to him..he knew me best..for 5 years wit him, i should know it earlier..i should have traced it in his eyes..but i keep on lying to masef..saying he wont do dat to me..but at last it happend..til now..i cant believe he left me for dat girl..

for years i kept healing masef..on and on..without stop but d bleeding stil continue flowing..not 2 forget tons of tears al dis years..i used to hate men bcoz of dis..n nearly take a decision on being a lesbian! but thank god i didnt go der! juz snap out of it..i crawld back to d surface of reality..trying to reset back my hopes n dreams..coz before dis, i only see me n him..together..building my own family..wit my very own kids..my life is him...he's my world..HIM ONLY! when all of dis has gone..i felt totally lost..i juz let masef drown in sorrow n misery.. i don wan to wake up n smell d air..shrugd off all outside world..n keeping masef alone..afraid to take chances..afraid to be hurt..afraid..afraid..

yes..now i know i have a gud life..wit frenz around who supports me..gud career n all..but stil d pain stil der..all d gud memories wit him stil remain in my hart..d joy n sweet memories ive spent wit him lingerd inside my head n how i wish i cud have one more chance to be in his arms..juz to be hold by him for d last time..n to hear him wisper to my ear saying dat im d one..d nite he called me about dis "sumting" between us dat didnt settle, he told me he stil miss me..but he didnt want to give hope to me AGAIN coz he didnt wan to hurt me lik he did the 2nd time..i keep on crying all thru d conversation til i cant say a word coz d crying makes me lost ma voice..

ma hands are freezing cold dat time..n ma heart beats 10 times faster than usual..im in totally out of dis world stage..blur n blank..felt lik running..dun know wer but dun care! felt lik i juz wan to cry all my tears out til my eyes go blind to sum wun..n thank god there he is..my MENTAL AFFECTION PARTNER (MAP)..even he didnt lend his shoulder to cry on..but stil i sense his presence dat time..he snapd me out of masef..get a grip n tell me to pray..hmmm...

why i cant let it go? is it me dat doesnt want to let go? ive tried but i cant!! i used to tink dat wit new love i cud forget him..but how can i..? no one can beat him..if one does can, and can stand to HIS standard, dat man doesnt love me..im juz a loser! im not worthit for any good guys? i need to be saved..but everyting there is..keeps me drowning even deeper than before..

tink of it..mit as wel be alone..

he loves me..he loves me not..he loves me..he loves me not..he loves me..he loves me not..he loves me..he loves me not..he loves me..he loves me not..he loves me..he loves me not..he loves me..he loves me not..he loves me..me??not??

aku tak percaya lagi*atas apa yang kau beri*aku terdampar di sini*tersudut menunggu mati*aku tak percaya lagi*akan guna matahari*yang sinarnya terangi*sudut gelap hati ini*aku berhenti berharap*dan menunggu datang gelap*sampai nanti suatu saat*tak ada cinta kudapat*mengapa ada derita*bila bahagia tercipta*mengapa ada sang hitam*bila putih menyenangkan*aku pulang...tanpa dendam*kuterima.. kekalahanku*aku pulang...tanpa dendam*kusalurkan.. kemenanganku*kau ajarkan aku bahagia*kau ajarkan aku derita*kau tunjukkan aku bahagia*kau tunjukkan aku derita*kau berikan aku bahagia*kau berikan aku derita

is it obvious?

We started as friends
But something happened inside me
Now I'm reading into everything
But there's no sign you hear the lightning, baby

You don't ever notice me turning on my charm
Or wonder why I'm always where you are

I've made it obvious
Done everything but sing it
(I've crushed on you so long, but on and on you get me wrong)
I'm not so good with words
And since you never notice
The way that we belong
I'll say it in a love song

I've heard you talk about
(Heard you talk about)
How you want someone just like me (echo: just like me)
But everytime I ask you out
(Time I ask you out)
We never move pass friendly, no no

And you don't ever notice how I stare when we're alone
Or wonder why I keep you on the phone

I've made it obvious
Done everything but sing it
(I've crushed on you so long but on and on you get me wrong)
I'm not so good with words
And since you never notice
The way that we belong
I'll say it in a love song

You are my very first thought in the morning
And my last at nightfall
You are the love that came without warning
I need you, I want you to know

I've made it obvious
So finally I'll sing it
(I've crushed on you so long)
I'm not so good with words
And since you never notice
The way that we belong
I'll say it in a love song

And sing it until the day you're holding me
I've wanted you so long but on and on you get me wrong
I more then adore you but since you never seem to see

But you never seem to see
I'll say it in this love song


I wanna hate u but..i love u…
*stupid me*

t3LL m3 its 0v3R

OVER – LINDSAY LOHAN

I watch the walls around me crumble
But it's not like I won't build them up again
So here's your last chance for redemption
So take while it last cause it will end
And my tears are turning into time
I’m wasting trying to find a reason for good-bye

I can't live without ya can't breathe without ya
I'm dreamin' bout ya honestly tell me that it's over
Cause the world is spinnin' and I'm still livin'
It won't be right if we're not in it together
Tell me that it's over
And I'll be the first to go
Don't wanna be the last to know

I won't be the one to chase you
But at the same time you’re the heart that I call home
I'm always stuck with these emotions
And the more I try to feel the less I'm whole

My tears are turning into time
I've wasted trying to find a reason for good-bye
And Ill be the first to go
Yeah I’ll be the first to go
Don't wanna be the last to know
Over, over, over

My tears are turning into time
I've wasted trying to find a reason for good-bye
Tell me that it's over, over

Honestly tell me, honestly tell me

Don't tell me that it's over
Don't tell me that it's over

Don't Click Here

is it h4rd to t3LL?

mm..today i juz wan to shout to men..sum times u guys could be so genius dat we girls juz flopd to yur feet n worship u..but sum times wen d moon is on d rite spot..n BAMM! u guys become a pain in d ass! so stupid n arrrghhhh it gets to my nerves!

wats wrong u ask? wel here i wan to tell u..did u girls ever faced a situation dat its so obvious ..u've shown to yur man but dey didnt get it? YES baby! its understandable kinda situation..its body languange..its d hints..but NOOO.."earth to men..earth to men!! hello men!! do u readdd me??" no respond..as if talking to d birds n d trees..

hey boy..throw away dos dictionary coz u aint finding d meaning of communication in der wit yur brain lik a do-do bird! hehhee..im being mean!? yes i know...heck wat do i care...its true! most of men didnt know how 2 communicate ..its always flowing in both ways..listen n respond..give n take..yin n yang..wen u get ur communication on d rite track..den after dat u'l be able to work out ur "understanding each other" juz well..

mm..wait a minute..im sensing other stuf not juz communication error...its d attitude also...oh my gosh! uuu..dis wun i like! huhuhu...coz ive sum xperiences in dis...hehehe...hey girls have u noticed yur men dis lately? how many months/years have u dated him? mm..let me ask u..is he stil lik u used to know him? i mean dos he stil open up doors for u? dos he stil buy u gifs without any special reason at all? n most importantly...dos he stil come early to pick u up for yur date? NO? hhehehe...i rest my case..coz MEN intend to CHANGED ACCORDINGLY TO D TIME..wen he feels comfortable wit u...der will be no bounderies..no shame at all..but we gurls..mm will feel a bit dissappointment wen yur men acting lik dat! no more holding hands n all dat stuffz u used to do together..men always take for granted on wat dey have had..example...d simplest word to say ..I LOVE U..would be gone..dont u expect it would blurt out from dey mouth by demsef coz it aint happening! dey expect u 2 always know dey loved u..wat do dey tink we are? psychic? have mind power to read dey thoughts?

be nice men..say i love u to yur gurl without waiting dem to ask u first d question..we gurlz can read yur mind..we didnt know either u love us or not..and even if we do know..its nice for u to tell it anyway once in a while..cherishd us will u stil have us..coz wen u be good 2 us gurlz one time...we occasionally wil pay double to u..(mmm u know wat i mean...)

its normal for men to react lik dat..after wat u call "honeymoon month" (dat is d first month of dating)..he, dat used to be yur prince charming turns to b a selfish-unappreciate-dumdumhead-kinda man...hhahaa..uu for dos who has been married for a year..u lucky-lucky girl..hehehe..really! GOOD LUCK..! coz after married no "goods are returnable!" he'l be able to be wat he really is without u, saying anything about it..d snooring..d brupping after every meals..not to forget...d farting!! cheweezzz..plez open d window!!

ive spoken to one of my collegue..he said.."if u cant promise yur sef to do it for d rest of yur life..dont start on doing it at all.." on d second thought..i agreed wit him..yap! try to be yursef..dont try to be sumting dat is not u..i know its d way to impress us girls..but plezz dont be hippocrite not juz to us..but to yursef as well..
coz after a while, it will be a burden to u..all d pleasing to make..all d tings u have to control on not doing it..all d mushy-mushy stuff to say..hmmm...i dont tink so....even i cudnt stand to do it for a loooong lonnnggg time..

but i guez men will always be men...hehhe..cant live with dem..cant live without dem..
like it or not..have to live wit it..without dem..whose gonna contribute d sperms?? hehehe..juz kidding..have a nice day..

till d next chapter..adios!